Going through this last year, I didn't know how I was going to make it through losing the love of my life. I have realized that Tim and I mourned together through most of our life together. We mourned the loss of being able to do certain things, the loss of going places for long periods of time, the loss of being able to have a glass of wine together. The last thing was actually losing him, and I had to do that alone. I don't mean alone as in not having others around, I mean everything we had done had been together and now I had to walk alone through the hardest loss.
I walked around in a haze for a few weeks, not knowing how to do anything but pray for the night to fall so that I would be tired and go to sleep and not feel the pain. It was hard to believe that I would enjoy anything again. That part of you just seems to be gone. I realized that I was not looking forward to going home after work. I looked for things I used to like to do, things I wanted to get, but never had the time to look at them. I had rushed home every day for Tim, to take care of him, or just to be with him because I knew time was precious. I went out, I called some of the many people that told me to call them. I went out to dinner, out for a drink. I started to feel again. It's like part of you is paralyzed and you almost don't realize it until the feeling starts to comes back and surprises you.
I slowly was breaking through this cocoon I was in and then I felt wings. I started to believe again that I was going to live through this. I gained my smile back and feel like laughing. I'm feeling like there are possibilities out there for me for my future, for a happy life, and to continue to spread the love to people around me so much like Tim did. There are still those times when I feel the intense loss of him and the part of me that went with him. But I am still here.
I feel so thankful to the people around me that walk this journey. My family that's there to grab my hand when I fall and lift me back up. My friends to help me fill myself and my life back up with happiness. And everyone that I've come into contact with that has made me smile or made me feel good because that's what gets me up every day and gives me something to look forward to.
