I haven't posted in a while, but it's not for lack of things going on in my life. I'm looking at this time as a learning experience and trying to open my mind to all that I'm supposed to go through and learn from.
In recovering from a life changing event is such an amazing journey. It's a very emotional journey. I'm not a person that asks for help easily. I want so much to be totally independent. And I have to LEARN that asking for help is not a weakness, it just is what it is, help. I don't think anyone that asks for my help as weak, but yet I put that label on myself. And losing someone as close to me as Tim, there is bound to be a hole in my life and I have to figure out how to fill at least part of it. I find that sometimes the feeling alone starts to overwhelm me and it's like I'm in a dark room and I can't find the door. Here's the learning part, I don't have to find the door, I only have to call out and there are people there to help me find the door.
The holidays have been hard. There are all kinds of memories along with things I never even realized we did together until I had to do them myself. I am just trying to enjoy what I can with family and friends getting together and take in all the love that surrounds me and use that as my strength reserve when I get low. Some of the holiday traditions are kind of going through the motions for me this year, but there is none of that with family. I am so happy to have the family and friends that are like family, I don't know how people go through this without that kind of support.
I must also use the gift that Tim gave me . . . the power of positive thinking. He was the pro at that, and anyone that knew him knows that. So I must daily think of the things that I have. I have my family, I have friends that are as close as family, I have my house which I love and I have a life to continue living. In our family, we have this thing we do--where will we be and what will our life look like a year from now. This is the first time in my life I can honestly say . . . I have NO idea. My planner brain has a little bit of a tough time handling that, but things are wide open. That does excite me and that drives me to open my mind to possibilities that I never thought of and to keep taking one step at a time.
When I was together with my cousins last weekend, we figured out that 2009/10 was a bad year for us all. But what we also figured out is that we are strong women and if we unite with other women, we become only stronger and if nothing else, we are survivors. So in crossing over into a new year, watch out! There are a group of "kickin ass and takin names" kind of women that are going to shine through and make this next year their own. I think I will learn what a RED year is all about.
