Rules

I have found out that there are a lot of rules in life.  Not like the rules that govern our country, but rules that govern our life.  I'm talking about the ones that people don't really talk about but are nonetheless there.  There are rules when you are parents (yes I spanked my kids), rules when you get divorced (knew that one before I got divorced), rules when you are widowed (didn't really know this), and rules that go with daily life (I love my job). 

The rules of parenting are that you don't spank kids when they are bad.  That was not always the rules, at least not when I grew up.  And I'm not talking about beating or anything like that--I get the difference.  But I see more kids slapping their parents in the face then I ever did when my kids were young.  It's hard to see someone whose child is slapping them in the face and the parent is saying "no no honey".  Uh, no. 

The rules of divorce.  People are going to think there is something wrong with you that someone divorced you.  Oh, the injustice, but the truth.  Wives are going to think that you might want their husbands.  That one's for sure.  I think that's a carryover of the 60's and 70's, those home-wreckers, the divorcees!!  And the last, everybody hates their ex.  For me, the only grudge I hold with my ex is if I think there has been an issue (an injustice) with my kids.  Then I am a cougar (not the cougar of today).  The one that will kill you if you mess with my kids.  

And now the rules of being widowed.  Everyone is going to ask you how you are, and then tilt their head.  And most acquaintences don't really want to know the answer because it makes them uncomfortable.  There are many rules on what you "should" be doing at any particular milestone.  Going out and enjoying yourself is pretty iffy.  Especially if a lot of drinking is involved.  (Although some think "Wow, she probably needed that")  But everyone that loves you wants to make sure you're not doing too much of anything--it might be unhealthy.  That's OK because that comes out of love.  

My favorite rule I love to break is last one on my list.  The daily rule that says I love my job . . . and it is what it is, at least I have a job.  I do not accept that.  My life is what I make it to be.  I found myself looking at my life, my career etc. and thinking that was it.  I had an awesome husband with a very bad disease.  We fought it as hard as was possible, but fighting it was not enough.  But I started to see that as I was home a lot, I started to delve into my creative side.  I love to quilt, I love to read and most of all I have always loved to write.  I then decided that these things made me happier.  Why in the hell would I wait until I'm 46 to do these things that make me happy.  I know, I couldn't figure it out either!!  So I made a short term goal to start writing, and I did.  I felt a fire burning and words playing over and over in my head until I wrote them.  It was like I was writing for the first time. 

This is the Red Marla now.  I challenge myself to be everything I want to be.  I challenge myself to be the kind of friend, mother, daughter, sister that I want to be.  I challenge myself to get out of bed every morning, and carry the monumental loss of Tim with me not as a weight, but as a crown and embrace every feeling that goes with it.  I can feel Tim cheering me on like an angel on my shoulder to grab every moment of every day and make it something that makes you happy.  Just like I did with him.