Life is so different for me now. What a drastic change from life not so long ago. I sometimes feel like I am an observer as well as a participant. Because it's all so different, I need to learn some things from this new perspective. Some realities that you live with when you are so connected and associated with others is so vastly different when you're on your own. Some things are freedoms, but some things feel like umbrella of protection is gone. Well maybe it's not gone, but it's a different kind of protection coming from different places and I have to reach out to get it.
That's a big lesson I'm learning; that I have the protection from other people but asking for it is the key. When I was married to Tim, I never had to tell him it was a bad day. Because he knew everything about me, I would merely come in the door and he would look at me and know and ask. So if I have a particularly bad day or just need to talk, I have to call one of my friends or family that are always there for me and talk to them. That is against my nature--not so good at asking for help with anything really. But I am learning because when I do reach out, I can go from a very dark place to feeling good and peaceful with where I'm at. Sometimes, no matter how much I talk to myself about being OK, it's not a substitute for another human voice that know me so well leading me down the path back towards the light.
I think too, that somehow I have a different expectation for male friends vs. female friends. This is rather new territory from the vantage point of being single. I haven't been single for a very long time and am really trying to avoid landmines that I now realize are there. Everyone has baggage, and mine is tied to divorce rather than the time with Tim. But those bags don't go away and even with the passage of time and the loving debriefing I went through with Tim to unlearn the unhealthy thoughts I carried, they still exist. The trick is to recognize those thoughts as destructive and hold my male friends to the same level of friendship and support as my female friends. If I start to feel those destructive thoughts because I don't feel I'm being treated well, then the friendship is not something I need to be a part of--whether a man or a woman. I have worked too hard and Tim gave 10 years of love therapy to let me know that I was the most important person to him, and if I am not feeling important to any person, than it is not a good friendship to be in. I am a damn good friend, and I deserve that in return.
My view of the journey, as of today.
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