Me stuff

It's amazing the things that you notice when you're looking.  I really think that the years of living with cancer with Tim really sharpened my skills of observance.  Every moment, no matter how seemingly mundane, has something to be noticed and enjoyed.  Lately, there are things that I have noticed about myself that I don't think I knew before because my world was focused squarely on someone else. 

I just realized that I don't have to have my microwave on silent.  That probably sounds so weird to others, but I had the beeper off on my microwave so that loud beep doesn't disturb anyone.  OK, it's me and the dog and the cats here, who will be disturbed?  I honestly set it back to the beep just the other day because I warm up my corn bags and I always forget that I've put them in the microwave because the beep doesn't let me know it's done.  That funny thing that people do with doing things a certain way all the while not realizing why they do them that way.  (By the way, for you people not in the snow belt, a corn bag is a fabric bag filled with corn that I sew, that you warm up in the microwave and put in your lap, on your neck, on sore muscles, or in your bed to warm it up.  And no it doesn't pop, it's not popcorn.)

I always knew I was a planner type personality, but with the power of observation of my wonderful friend, I saw it more as a way that I survive and thrive emotionally.  It makes me feel secure and content to plan things.  I think after so many years of having to plan, but having to be flexible to have the plan change depending on how Tim felt, I get great comfort in planning things that I know will, in fact, happen.  I even go so far as to plan to be spontaneous.  Even as I read that, it makes me laugh, but it's true.  I plan, even if just in my own mind and never saying it out loud, to take days of a given week and be open to, if I don't feel like going right home after work, doing something I enjoy.  So I think of some things I like to do and have those as my back up plan (this is spontaneity for planners) if I don't feel like going home.  I'm still working on being able to change the plan without getting very cranky.  Not really that good at that yet, but I'm working on it.  

I also like bling bling jewelry.  Rhinestones and cubic are running amuk on my hands, wrists and neck.  I have just about as many rings as I can wear right now, but I just bought a couple more.  None of them are expensive, I don't even want them to be expensive.  If it breaks, I don't want to be heartbroken because it's a precious gem, I want to find another that's more bling bling than the last.  I've never worn rings on anything but my ring fingers, but I'm really having fun with all the sparkly stuff.

I also had an amazing experience the other night.  If any of you are unsure that people's spirits remain with us in some fashion after they've died, I can tell you most certainly that they do.  There have been so many instances of this, but I'll share this one.  A couple of nights ago, I went to bed.  I was very sleepy that night.  I had heard something on TV before I went to bed and was thinking about Tim.  Not generally, but about his face.  I could see the crease on his forehead he had that I used to massage when his brow was furrowed, his brown eyes, how his soft, fine hair felt between my fingers when I massaged his head.  My eyes were closed and I was just using that vision to take me off to sleep.  I felt something touch my hair.  I opened my eyes and looked around the pillow, I thought a shirt or perhaps the cap I have on the bedpost had fallen down and onto my hair.  Nothing there.  And then I realized that as I was visualizing him, my Tim was touching me back.  I laid back down on my side as I had before and closed my eyes, and felt him touch my hair again as I went to sleep.