Unusual Memorial Wkend

I have had an amazing weekend this weekend.  I have spent it with my best friend.  We took 2 things we found in a thrift store and re-decorated my whole house.  It sounds amazing, but as I sit here . . . it looks amazing. 

Together we took these two things from the thrift store and started decorating.  We took things down, we put things up, we were on a design frenzy.  We put things in different places, we pulled color from one level to another.  Two nights ago, I was visited by Tim in my dreams.  There have only been a few dreams of him since he passed, but they have all had great meaning to me and there has been no doubt of the message.  The message I got was Tim saying to me "Take down the pictures of me when I was sick".  I remember even his voice saying it to me, and saying again . . . "no, really, please promise me you'll take down the pictures of me when I was sick".  I was sitting having coffee this morning with Jan, and I suddenly remembered the dream and I knew he had a message and I knew it was really clear, but I couldn't remember the message.  We put it aside, figuring that Tim would tell me again.  I walked down the hall a little while later and I heard it again, I yelled at Jan "I know what it is!!!!!"  He wants me to take down the pictures of when he was really sick."  

That's when the frenzy began.  It's amazing how you can change two things in your room and all of the sudden a new room emerges that is your own and the picture in your mind somehow comes to life in front of you?  There will be a couple of items purchased, but it will bring the whole flow of the house into harmony.  It will be my style . . . it's mostly things I already had put into different spaces and in different groupings to make them look new again.  It's me, and I love how I will feel in it.  The space where the picture of Tim when he was really sick was placed, will be re-placed by a beautiful Tree of Life metal wall art.  A symbol of him for all of us.  And this weekend 5-28 was a significant date now in my past, the date of our first date, that lead to our marriage date of 8-25.    

This was one day of this amazing weekend.  The day before we vowed that if the sun was shining we were going to enjoy it.  We sat outside in the sun with our drinks with our tunes from our MP3s playing loudly into the yard.  We actually ended up getting a slight burn...I know, that's really bad at our age, but damn, it felt GOOD.  We haven't seen enough sun and to just let it's warmth envelope your body, it puts me into like a trance state where it's like I can't move, but just drink it in.  Other than drinking vodka lemonades instead of soda, it was like we were 17 again, back in high school and laying out in the yard.  Only we're funner and oh so much smarter, for God's sake.

So this was my weekend, decorating my house with my personality, it was fabulous.  Tomorrow the only thing left is to do girly things.  There will be scrubs and polishes and moisturizers like you've never seen.  It will be another fabulous day.        

The kids were here.

My kids were here this past week.  My daughter and her husband (which is still hard to say because she still seems so young to me) were here.  My son, his girlfriend and roomate were here a lot too to see them.  For the first time this week, the towels are hung up in the bathroom.  The guest room bed is unmade.  There is a stocking on the floor that has to be my son-in-law's it's so big.  He's the only person that's been here that has a size 14 foot.  The dog keeps looking at me like I should make them appear again.  I wish I could.

I stopped worrying about how the house looked when they got here and just quietly picked up around them.  I think back to a story that my Mom told when my kids were young.  She came to my house when I just had Ryan and Amanda, they were probably 3 and 1.  My Mom was always a stickler for cleanliness but she walked in my messy house, with all the things laying around that would naturally be there with two small children, she saw me in the living room sitting on the floor playing with the kids.  What better thing could I be doing at this time, cleaning . . . or playing with the kids.  She appreciated my ability to look away from the mess and see the more important thing.  It was the very thing she taught even though she may not realize it, family is everything.  Love and protect your family with a passion.   

So now when my kids are adults, I don't worry so much about the house.  I clean when I have time, but I don't take away from my time with them.  They are back home now, I have the aftermath of cleaning and washing but think about the times we were together and the things we laughed at as I see the things they used.  Little pieces of them scattered throughout the house.  I'm so glad I have a place they can come home to and someone that will always be happy to see them come.   

One year, today.

Today is the day.  It was one year ago today that my soulmate Tim lost his battle with cancer.  I was going to write something that brought out the funny things about Tim, but I think that was more on the thought that I knew I would feel very sad, and I don't want to make others feel sad.  I guess I learned that from Tim.  The truth is, it is a sad day for me and I'm going to let it just be whatever it is.  Emotions are just emotions, I am supposed to feel them.  That has been part of my lesson this year.  To not look at it as being less than strong, but actually very healthy to feel and express and even ask for a hand to hold to get you through it. 

When we talk about it being a year, in some ways the loss remains fresh and emotion can hit at a time that I don't expect it.  But sometimes it seems like a 365 day journey up a mountain.  To have my life change overnight and have to make myself get out of bed every morning to keep living life when the person that had become the center is . . . gone.  The days of the stuggling to get up and live are getting further and further apart.  Being replaced by a funny story or thing he did or said that occurs to me.  Or the funny things that happen that I know are his spirit.  The song that came on 5 times in one day and everytime I got near a music source it was on, it was Tim telling me something and I knew just what the message was.  Those are happy days when I can hear his voice in my head or picture him doing something he loved to do.  When we would watch our favorite cartoon, Yosemite Sam, and laugh until we cried.  But, every single day, there is something.  I don't know if there will ever be a day when he doesn't come to me in some way.  

Life goes on.  My life is new and different now.  I can't even draw to the similarities of my life now versus before Tim passed except for the people around me.  Maybe it's so different by design, there's no comparison to make.  And because it's all so different, that I'm challenging my mind, my will, my power to take on anything.  I will be happy, I will have an amazing life with many adventures.  I have to think that Tim would be proud of me and how I'm doing and what I'm doing . . . because he knew me so well inside and out, a victory or happy moment for me is something he would encourage.  He hated when I felt bad more than anything.  As the guy on Musky Hunter would say and Tim would always say in jest to me "Good job, Marla".