One year, today.

Today is the day.  It was one year ago today that my soulmate Tim lost his battle with cancer.  I was going to write something that brought out the funny things about Tim, but I think that was more on the thought that I knew I would feel very sad, and I don't want to make others feel sad.  I guess I learned that from Tim.  The truth is, it is a sad day for me and I'm going to let it just be whatever it is.  Emotions are just emotions, I am supposed to feel them.  That has been part of my lesson this year.  To not look at it as being less than strong, but actually very healthy to feel and express and even ask for a hand to hold to get you through it. 

When we talk about it being a year, in some ways the loss remains fresh and emotion can hit at a time that I don't expect it.  But sometimes it seems like a 365 day journey up a mountain.  To have my life change overnight and have to make myself get out of bed every morning to keep living life when the person that had become the center is . . . gone.  The days of the stuggling to get up and live are getting further and further apart.  Being replaced by a funny story or thing he did or said that occurs to me.  Or the funny things that happen that I know are his spirit.  The song that came on 5 times in one day and everytime I got near a music source it was on, it was Tim telling me something and I knew just what the message was.  Those are happy days when I can hear his voice in my head or picture him doing something he loved to do.  When we would watch our favorite cartoon, Yosemite Sam, and laugh until we cried.  But, every single day, there is something.  I don't know if there will ever be a day when he doesn't come to me in some way.  

Life goes on.  My life is new and different now.  I can't even draw to the similarities of my life now versus before Tim passed except for the people around me.  Maybe it's so different by design, there's no comparison to make.  And because it's all so different, that I'm challenging my mind, my will, my power to take on anything.  I will be happy, I will have an amazing life with many adventures.  I have to think that Tim would be proud of me and how I'm doing and what I'm doing . . . because he knew me so well inside and out, a victory or happy moment for me is something he would encourage.  He hated when I felt bad more than anything.  As the guy on Musky Hunter would say and Tim would always say in jest to me "Good job, Marla".