Spirit

Spirit.  Such a versatile word.  I see it in a different context now.  It's funny, I went back and forth about writing this, but realized that my hesitation in putting it down into written words is the fear that some will think I'm a little crazy.  Then I realized that people may have thought I was crazy for a hundred other things but I pay no mind to those things.  In fact, it's even a little funny. 

I started noticing things with music after Tim passed.  When I would think of a story about him, a song that was meaningful to us would come on whatever I was playing music on.  There was one day, as I was sitting on the edge of my bed, I looked down and I was not impressed with what I saw, to say the least.  I've always been highly critical of my body, but now I was feeling bad for not getting back into exercise.  A song came on, Just The Way You Are, and the words are:

I know, I know
When I compliment her she won't believe me
And it's so, it's so
Sad to think that she don't see what I see
But everytime she asks me "Do I look okay?"
I say

[Chorus:]
When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for a while
'Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

I smiled and thought of Tim when that song came on, because he was always trying to convince me not to be so hard on myself.  The funny part was that the next morning, my clock radio alarm began with that song to wake me.  I smiled again, reminded of the message from the night before.  That day, when I got in the car, in the office, on my computer, virtually everywhere I turned music on that day, that song was on.  Different radio channels, satellite radio, Pandora radio, it didn't matter, the same song came on again and again.  By the end of the day, driving home, it came on again.  I said OK TIM, I GOT IT and laughed out loud!  I live with his spirit.  No matter what anyone says, I believe it. That's just one story of so many where I feel him here.  

If that makes me crazy . . . OK!

Cancer

Cancer.  I would love to be able to say cancer is done affecting my life.  I would love to say that, but I can't.  I don't have the shock like I used to, but the effect is no less sobering.  I feel for those who go through the diagnosis.  I remember, it is so awful, my breath taken away by the shock, my heart pounding in my ears so loud it's hard to listen to the doctor.  I remember the diagnosis day with Tim like it was yesterday.  Everyone who goes through a diagnosis day or a recurrence day will never forget it.  I can't even fully describe those days because it's like a bruise that never heals, the feelings go so deep I doubt I could do it without tears. 

Both of my parents are fighting cancer at this moment, as are several friends.  What do I have to do to get the "get out of cancer free" card?  My life has been monumentally changed by cancer, I just want to scream when I hear of another diagnosis or recurrence.  When will it stop?  I know there are new drugs but I also know that there is no one dimensional answer for cancer.  The people that told me that there was a conspiracy and that there really is a cure out there that is just not getting to the masses are not only wrong, that idea is an enormous simplification of cancer.  Once you are initiated into cancer-world, you know the immense complexities and how so much is really a doctor's best guess, regardless of how trained, specialized, or renowned they are.  You find out about enzyme levels, blood levels, medication names, retaining the cause and effect of everything with that particular cancer.   

The only thing I can do, is care for the people around me that have cancer.  Love them, be there, absorb their shock, pain, disbelief, make them laugh if I can, touch them with my words or my hands and let them know I'm there.  I guess that is the thing that I can do with this fight of others.  If you are a cancer survivor, let your story out.  There are people (myself included) that need to hear there are happy endings, that cancer does not always get to steal our loved ones away and there is hope.  You never know when that is the very thing that gets a person dealing with cancer through their day.     

Creativity

I had a little moment in the last couple weeks.  My daughter Jenna did a benefit with a couple of her friend for two children's charities.  First of all, I commend her for even knowing how to set up a benefit; I would not have the foggiest idea of how to do that.  Is that how you spell foggiest?  It's not a word I write a lot so I really don't know.  But back on task...she and her friends put this together and me and my friend Jan went.  I sat with my best friend and two of my other daughters Angela and Megan.  As the show began, Jenna and her friends and their bubbly MC performance were a treat.  Youth stood in front of me and displayed its enthusiasm and belief in its ability to change the world. 

Once the performances began, that was second treat.  I listened as there were performances of music, dance, and spoken words and poems.  I felt like these people displayed what was not only artistic, but passionate.  I listened as the performer spoke of his life in Chi-town and his ability to not get pulled into the way things are, but to get out and make a difference in his life.  His intensity struck me because he was speaking of personal strife and the will to make change happen and doing it in a public forum.  One after another they got up and displayed their talent and revealed themselves in front of the crowd.  

I thought so much about this performance as I left.  I showed my age by leaving at the break before the extended rap portion of the show.  I know that's creative too, but just because it's creative doesn't mean I have to love it.  I think as I get older in this politically correct society we live in, I forget that I have the ability to stand up in front of people and speak my passion, express my creativity without the fear of rejection.  What is the worst that could happen--someone won't like it?  Since when did I get so worried about that?  And why? 

That was a lesson that I walked away with; a lesson of the young, let that passion out.  Display that creativity right out there and even expose a little of yourself in the process.  I watched all those performers, and Jenna herself standing in front of people without care of the politically correct world outside the door, shine.